Self-conscious

I am self-conscious

I am conscious of myself

Of my words

Of my actions

Of my body

And yet,

How can I not see my

Worthiness

How can I not value my

Effort

How can I not appreciate my

Beauty

Does that mean

I am not self-conscious?

Am I truly seeing my whole self?

Because I refuse to believe

That I am all the awful things

That the inner parts of my mind want me to be

I am making a choice

To be more conscious of my whole wonderful self

Until I truly believe

I am wonderful.

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Hope.

For the first time in a very long time, I feel hopeful.  I don’t know what will happen in my life…in my marriage…and I am okay.  I know that I will always end up being okay.  Even when it doesn’t feel like I’ll ever be okay again.  We will all be okay.

 

sam

Say nothing.

I’m sure I’ve talked before about how I used to always feel ugly.  How I longed for people to tell me that I’m beautiful.  There was a huge whole in my psyche that refused to allow “good” thoughts to filter in.  It was a really big problem.  And it was also confusing.  Let me explain:

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[sewing.] Mama and me. 

I love the mama and me trend that I’ve seen going around where mamas and their littles dress in coordinating outfits or even the same outfit. I have a couple of patterns that are the same as Laila Grace and I always have these grand plans of sewing the two of us cute little outfits. But, let’s face it, my sewing plan is usually, “SQUIRREL!” I let myself get pulled this way and that way by the latest and greatest patterns from my favorite designers. And I’m always working on something.  Because sewing is therapeutic for me and a key component in helping me handle post partum depression and body image issues (this is also a good blog post).

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fundraiser: Black Lives Matter.

black lives matterBlackbackground.jpg

I am black.  My husband is white. My daughter is half white.  Nearly half of my extended family is white.  I receive conflicting responses, or even silence, when I talk to about issues that matter to me such as systemic racism, Black Lives Matter, body positivity and reproductive rights.  It may seem contradictory that I am a pro-choice, Jesus-following feminist.  Aren’t some of those ideologies conflicting? Continue reading