I am NOT that girl who always dreamt of parenthood. I am, however, the girl who dreamt that she would be a career woman, independent. You know, that sort of thing. But, a few weeks ago…okay… a month ago…I found out that I am pregnant! Pregnant!
I’m only freaking out a little now. Which is better than I was doing: vacillating between scared-to-freaking-death and happy-as-can-be. Those are my legitimate feelings.
Here’s the thing: the other day, I had a discussion with my class. I asked them what sort of relationship they had with their parents and what ideas they had to make sure that the relationship they have with their own kids will be “better.” I was surprised to find that many of my students didn’t really have a relationship with their parents. Like, they didn’t talk at all.
So, being the inquisitive little grown ups that they are, they asked me about my relationship with my parents. I don’t know why, but I never give my kids enough credit for their questions that literally just get right down to the heart of the matter. I told them that I don’t really talk to my parents. They were surprised. They asked about my parents in law. I told my students that I talk to my in laws fairly regularly. They were still surprised. “That’s f—‘ed up, Miss!” said one student. “That’s probably pretty close to what my parents think, too,” I replied.
But this got me thinking that I HAVE to do better on that front. No better time to re-open the avenues of communication than when there’s a baby on the way. So, I used my kids’ prodding to “grow a pair” and call my parents. (Well… I actually texted them but that’s pretty much the same thing for me.)
I texted my dad and went to visit my mom and I reported back to the kids what I had done. They were happy. But, I think my kids are changing my life by virtue of being who they are.
I got a little off track telling that story but I said all of that about my kids to say this: The kids inquired about my greatest fear. It really was a hard question to answer. But the answer that I came up with is I’m a little scared of becoming a parent.
I have 6.5 months to get used to the idea. But I just thought I’d throw it out there. I am not that girl who dreamt of this day. I HAVE NOT been waiting my whole life for this. I don’t feel equipped for parenting but I do feel equipped to do the best that I can no matter what. I can do that. That’s all I can really expect of myself. I think that’s fair. Besides, Wes is a pretty stellar partner to be doing this whole parenting thing with so I think the two of us (and lots of prayer- feel free to pray for us when we come to mind) can make this happen without our kid being scarred for life.
p.s. This “secret” is also the reason that I didn’t want to blog. I didn’t want to spill the beans but it looks as though I’ve done that anyway. So, I guess that I’m back…