Pride.

I never knew that I was prideful about my job until I went to a baby shower a few weeks back.  The women were all sitting around talking.  Mostly making small talk.  The worst.  Finally someone talked to me (I don’t really like talking to strangers).  She asked me what my husband did for work.  I told her.  And then she said something, she asked me if I stayed at home.  My reply, “Ummmm… no.  I’m a teacher.”   It made me feel so good to say that.  But why?  I felt good knowing that I had a job “outside of the home” even though I have quite a few friends who are blessed and happy to be stay at home moms.  While I respect them, I just never thought the stay-at-home gig was for me.

Flash forward to Easter Sunday.

As of today, I’m 15.5 weeks pregnant.  But when I got dressed for church today, I put on a long fitted t-shirt and a pair of pre-pregnancy jeans.  I told Wes, “I don’t look pregnant today.  Just pudgy.”  His response, “You look beautiful.”  He’s so good for my ego but I wish I always felt beautiful.  Like if I could harness the way that he looks at me and see myself that way, it would be freaking awesome!  It can’t be that hard… can it?

I didn’t think anymore about it until we got to church and I started rambling:

“I mean, I guess it’s good that I’m not noticeably pregnant yet.  I don’t want to gain a lot of weight.  It’s just that before I started exercising, people would always ask me when the baby was due or if I was pregnant.  That was part of the reason that I started wanted to walk for exercise and eat more consciously.  Now, that I am actually pregnant and I’m not pudgy with just fat, I want people to notice.  I don’t want them to think it’s normal.  I mean, ask me when my baby’s due.  Pleaseeeeee.”

And there’s the pride.  Pride about my job.  My career.  Pride about my looks and the pudge that I worked really, really hard to get rid of.  Pride.  Always showing up when I least expect it.

pride

 

sam

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6 thoughts on “Pride.

  1. Congrats on 15.5 weeks ! And I hear you about other women doing “small talk” when they ask you what your husband does (when he is not even at the gathering).

    Most conversations I have with women go the same route, and they end up learning ALL about my husband, but nothing about ME. Strange, right ?

    They walk away not knowing that I am a woman in a totally male dominated field. That I am a software engineer. That I have a patent. That I am the main breadwinner. That I am the very first person in my family to have graduated college, and that I paid for it all by myself. That I also do the normal mom kind of stuff like cooking, cleaning, laundry, going to the kiddos sporting events, and shopping for shoes and purses with her.

    I don’t ever offer up this information unless they ask about ME rather than my husband. Odd,right ? But the funny thing is that they never ask who I am so they never walk away learning anything about me. Weird isn’t it ?

    I try never to be boastful (thus I don’t talk about myself unless they ask), but I am VERY proud. And I am glad that you are too !

    By the way, I always thought it was uncomfortable when old men came up to me at the grocery and touched my stomach….I always wondered if they were perverts or just really nice old men. Once again congrats on the pregnancy….I was hiding mine at 15.5 since I was afraid I would lose my job if anyone knew!

    • Ya. I completely despise small talk. I feel like I’m lying pretending I’m interested in hearing what people have to say about the weather, baseball stats and other boring things. If they were my friends, I wouldn’t mind talking about these things but the small just seems like a polite social duty that I really don’t want to take part in.

      I really don’t know why women especially would only want to ask about husbands instead of the person they’re sitting in front of. That’s such a good point! Why not ask about me? Haha!

      I never thought about the differences in dynamics in a female dominated field (such as teaching) as opposed to a male dominated field (such as yours with computer programming). The hiding the pregnancy sounds like it would be hard to do especially when you’re just so happy about the adorable little baby forming in your womb. Big props to you for taking it all in stride.

      But, the point that I wanted to get to in the post was that I don’t want to be prideful. Not in the way that I am. If I define myself by work and my accomplishments what will I do when I no longer have my job? I’m trying to come to terms with that question. Pride can be good but I think that too much pride in outward things like my job or my appearance cannot be good…especially when it’s perceived as arrogance. I want to be boastful about Christ only but it seems that I have put Him on the back burner while seeking out accolades for my accomplishments (which were only possible through Him).

      Does that make sense? I’m still working my way through the issue. I think I’ll write about it again as I dig more into it.

      Thanks for commenting on my posts! It’s nice to hear from you!

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