I may seem to have a thick skin (or, maybe I just think I portray a thick skin) but I’m sensitive. When I was a kid, I was always called a cry baby. As an adult I totally hate crying and avoid it at all costs. But, when I get upset and worked up you can pretty much count on the waterfall of tears and then the angry tears to follow. I end up crying angry tears because I’m annoyed with myself for crying. It’s silly but that’s how I roll.
I think a lot. Sometimes my thinking gets me into trouble because it can quickly turn into worry if I don’t give it up to God. But another reason that my thinking gets me into trouble is because I tend to “over think” things. Take this blog post for instance. I’ve been stewing on it for months. Months! I want to figure myself out. I realize that I’m kind of complicated (I’m sure Wes would agree) but I’m not really that complicated.
I came across this picture on Pinterest:
It totally stuck out to me. All of the years I spent thinking I was broken and that there was something wrong with me only to realize that I’m just sensitive. I can’t watch certain things on television or in movies because it’ll show up in my dreams later on. You know that show that used to come on called Unsolved Mysteries? Yeah, not safe for me to watch. Or books that are super popular such as vampire books or even 50 Shades? Nope. I cannot do it. I really don’t consider myself to be imaginative but when I read stuff, it becomes WAY too vivid in my brain. Once I read or see something, I cannot un-see it no matter how hard I try.
That’s why I’m pretty careful about who I choose spend time with. I’m sort of an interesting combination of introvert and extrovert and I find hanging out taxing. Like it takes me a bit to recuperate. Usually one day. Minimum. But, if I am around a person who is constantly complaining (none of my friends fit into this category but some people in my life do) it takes me even longer to recuperate. Sometimes I need to stay away from them for a week and sometimes in really severe cases, I end up needing to stay away for longer. It’s just for self preservation.
I’ve come to realize that I will become like the people I surround myself with. I know that’s one of those things that old people always say to younger people but I’ve found it to be true in my own life (and I’ve seen it come to pass in the lives of others). If I see lots of traits in a person that are not becoming, I will not spend much of my time with them. It doesn’t mean that I’ll never spend time with them but I’ll have to be mentally prepared to complete such a task.
It sounds selfish and I guess that maybe it kind of is but since I’ve come to realize that this is what I need to do to protect my sensitive self then I guess that I don’t need to continue to apologize for it. I just have to make sure that while I’m busy trying to protect myself that I leave room for God to do His work (in me and in others through me). I’m sensitve but I still need to show His love.
That’s the hard part. Lord, help me.