*This was scheduled to post June 18, 2014. Needless to say that I NEVER posted it.*
Father’s Day just passed and it made me really, really sad. Why? Because I’m still hurting. All these years later. I sort of feel that I don’t have a dad to celebrate because of well… you know…issues.
I texted my little sister telling her that Father’s Day makes me sad because you hear all of these people telling all of these wonderful, heartwarming stories about their dad and I’m just there like, “…[queue chirping crickets]” So, in reality, Father’s Day make me jealous of the experiences that other people had and have) with their super awesome dads. (Man, I am just on a super honest roll here lately…)
I read this article on FB (which I sort of tried to avoid like the plague on the Day) . It was shared on Dave Ramsey’s page and what struck me at first was the super appropriate title: “The Dad I Didn’t Have” by Chris Brown.
No, I’m not looking for a father figure anymore, but I will be a great dad to my children.
No, I’m no longer waiting at the window for my dad to pick me up, but I will show up for my kids—every single day.
No, I’m not longing for a father to tell me he is proud of me, but I will tell my kids I am proud of them each chance I get.
No, I’m not waiting for the encouragement of a father, but I will be there to reassure my kids in their darkest hours.
No, I’m not hoping a father will step in and pull me up when I risk too much, but I will help my kids through their shameful moments.
No, I’m no longer wishing a father will take me fishing and spend hours chilling with me in quiet conversation, but I will be all-in for those special moments with my kids.
I read the article and it sort of embodied my insecurities about parenthood. How in the world do people grow up to be good even great parents when the examples they have are so flawed? I really and truly don’t understand. I was talking to Wes about this that night and I said, “I would like to think that my parents did the best they could with what they had but, for some reason, I don’t think that was the case.” I can be so judgmental. And, sometimes, it’s hard for me to give grace to people in authority because I feel they should “know better.”
So, in an effort to see what my teenaged years were really like, I located my old journal. (The good thing about about journaling is that I can write down all my crap. The bad thing about journaling is that I can go back and read all that crap and it takes me right back to the place I was in at the time of the writing.) I was looking for the time period in college that I referenced in yesterday’s post. The time when my dad was there to listen to all of my complaints. I couldn’t find any “proof” of that occurring (according to my journal). I wonder why? Or why not? But the thing is that I do have a dad and I can celebrate him. So I mustered up most of my courage to send my dad a Father’s Day card. This is kind of a big deal.
I’m thankful for my husband who constantly encourages me to form a relationship with my dad.
Added June13, 2015:
I still pretty much avoided the topic of Father’s Day on FB and I didn’t send my dad any cards or gifts but I DID call him of my own volition (Wes usually has to…ummm… suggest… that I call. I’m gonna consider that another small step in the right direction.
Father’s Day is still a day filled with pain but it’s becoming less and less painful. I’m grateful for that.