I only write when something big happens. Well, Wes and I celebrated nine years of marriage this week (kind of a bid deal) and I thought a lot about what I could write that wouldn’t be cliché. I’ve seen a TON of blog posts about the things people learn after (insert number of years married here) of marriage. I could do one of those lists but I would rather list some things that I have yet to learn and some things that I’d like to work on in the upcoming years so, here goes:
- I can’t force my hubs to enjoy the things I like (even though I’d reallllllly like to). I like to exercise (run, practice yoga) read books, play games. He likes to watch tv and do stuff on the computer. No amount of me wanting and asking him to go for walks with me (or anything active, really) will make him enjoy going for walks with me. So, instead, we just do things he likes and I save my very meager “me time” to do what I like to do. I need to learn to be okay with this arrangement but I am not okay with this arrangement. I wonder why the effort is so one-sided on this subject?
- It’s hard to figure out which battles are worth fighting. It’s hard for me to know when I can just “let something go.” This is especially true when it comes to my baby (but pretty much goes for all situations and circumstances). Every single thing is a big deal. But besides that, I just pretty much think that every single battle is worth fighting. It is seriously exhausting to be me.
- Trust. I think this one is self explanatory. It’s the reason I won’t allow anyone to baby sit my daughter. It’s the reason that I’m always looking for hidden meanings in what people say (especially when people aren’t straight to the point in what they’re saying). It’s the reason I don’t have many friends. The reason why I don’t always believe the things my husband tells me (even if it’s something “good” like when he tells me that I’m gorgeous). I’m starting to trust Wes more but it is hard to go against my nature. I sometimes just feel like I’m waiting for the bad thing (whatever that may be) to happen so that I can be relieved that I didn’t fully trust him. Crazy. This is no way to live… and, certainly not the way to foster an amazing marriage.
- The very fine line between reminding and…nagging.
- Always put the good of my husband before my own good. He’ll do the same for me. I once saw an article that talked about marriage and what makes marriage work. I think one of the many things that makes marriages stand the test of time is that each person puts the good of the other before their own. This does not mean that people should be doormats and never do anything for themselves. It simply means that I hate washing dishes but -every once in a while- I can wash the dishes after I’ve already cooked dinner so that my husband doesn’t have to do it. Or, I want to do one thing but he really likes to do this other thing. Me choosing to do the thing he wants will show him that I love him.
- The order: Jesus, husband, baby, work. My order is all out of whack. Currently it’s: baby, work (which is a synonym for “baby”), husband, and -if I’ve anything left in me- Jesus. I’m hoping that as baby gets older things will balance out a bit more but I just don’t know.
- How to be okay with “good enough.” As my husband says, I need to let people do things their way and not demand things be done my way. This one sounds easy but it may be the most difficult of all. Refer back to numbers 2 and 3.
- Spontaneity. It would benefit me to transfer some of the lessons I’ve learned from my go-with-the-flow mentality for motherhood when dealing with my husband. Everything doesn’t have to be planned. He’s the spontaneous one. Not me. But I can certainly use some growth in this category.
- Not to take myself so seriously. Sometimes my husband is joking with me and laughing and I think he’s making fun of me and laughing at me. This has hurt my feelings more than once and then he has to explain that he’s not laughing at me, he’s joking with me. Since I take myself so seriously, it’s sometimes hard for me to know the difference between joking and being serious. (Besides, I think most jokes have a hint of truth to them. That’s what makes them so funny.) Or when someone is “just saying” something, they’re actually really saying it (and they mean what they say) but them saying “I’m just saying” is a very lame attempt to lessen the blow of their words. I never use that phrase. I just say whatever it is that pops in my brain (and I sometimes regret my decisions later).
I have a lot to learn. I’m sure there should be more than nine things on my list. But I am glad that my husband still loves me even with my many, many quirks. He loves me even when the pain of my past clouds the way I see and interpret things in the present. He supports me with my fitness goals and in my life goals. He encourages me. He pushes me to do things that I wouldn’t normally have the courage to do (even when those things are for my own good). He annoys me sometimes (and, you can rest assured that I tap dance on his last nerve more often than I’d like to know). He’s good for me.
When it comes to marriage and to life I’ve gotta just “keep doing the next right thing that’s in front of me.”