I can’t.

Note: I almost didn’t publish this blog post.  But, I think in order for me to be able to climb out of the darkness, I’ve got to put things in the light.  I was afraid of what people would think if I admitted what I’m struggling with.  Because I may seem like this doesn’t affect me.  That’s the thing though, I refuse to be ashamed or in denial of my circumstances.  I refuse to continue to go through life the way I have been.  I can’t…

******

I think I’ve finally realized why I’ve been so overwhelmed. Why this transition has been so freaking hard. Why, no matter how hard I try to implement mind over matter it’s not working. I think I have post partum depression. It’s not really that big of a surprise considering my history with depression and my family’s history with depression. I tried all of these months to strong arm my way to feeling better. I ate a lot of sweets to make me feel better. I vented to anyone who would listen to make me feel better. I finally started trying to find a more productive way to deal and was more dedicated to eating Paleo and exercising to make me feel better. It did help but only seemed to put a very small dent in the darkness which I felt could overtake me at any given moment.

I thought I was strong enough to handle this on my own but I am not. I came across this article which puts a funny spin on the things that people who have depression hear from people. Don’t try to tell me that I can choose not to be depressed. Don’t try to tell me that since I’m a Christian that I can’t be depressed. Don’t try to make me feel like less of a person because I am dealing with something that I cannot strong arm. I’m stubborn and I tried to go that route…it didn’t work.

Twelve and half months after giving birth to God’s gift to me, I finally sought help. I admit I cannot do this on my own. It’s hard for me to concentrate on just about anything other than FB and I really, really, really hate FB now. (I’ve come very close to deleting my account in the past week.  Seriously, what’s the point of having so many FB “friends” if there’s no one for me to talk to and hang with in real life?  That’s where I stand with that whole situation right now.) I hardly read for pleasure anymore especially dense texts because it’s just really hard for me to understand what the books are talking about.  Even the bible.  Like, I’m kind of embarrassed to admit that I don’t read my bible but I’m really enjoying my daughter’s kiddie bible that one of our friends gifted to her.  (Update: I’ve been able to read for pleasure again within the last couple of weeks.  I think the medication is sort of starting to work.)

I have managed to make life with my husband miserable. It seems as though he can’t do anything right. I’m so critical of myself and of him and of…well… everyone that I’m pretty sure I’ve been pretty hard to be around. This is no way to live. This has for sure been the toughest year of my life. There have been so many changes. But I really thought that I would have coped better. So I get down on myself because I feel like I am literally drowning.

I want to be able to climb out of the darkness. I need to be able to climb out of the darkness. Hating my body isn’t productive. Hating (for lack of a better word) my husband isn’t productive. Being resentful of my husband’s out-of-the-house job is not productive. Being critical of everyone definitely isn’t productive… I think it’s actually counter-productive. (Update: My husband has been oh so supportive of me during this time especially after I admitted to him how I’ve been feeling.  I’ve been hard on him this past year.  Like, really, really hard on him and he’s still stayed by my side.  I don’t know how he does it.  What I do know is that I’m grateful for the support that he’s shown in helping me get better these past couple of weeks.)

I’m not ending this post with a lesson or something that I’ve learned because not enough time has passed for me learn much of anything except that I cannot do this alone and that I need something more. I need help. Like from a professional.

This song has been on repeat this week and has been able to reach me in the depths of my soul like no song has in quite some time:

“You’re a good, good Father: it’s Who You are.  And, I’m loved by You: it’s who I am.”

sam

Here’s a really good website regarding post partum depression: http://www.postpartumprogress.com

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9 thoughts on “I can’t.

  1. It seems funny to “like” your post, but in this case, it means more like, I support you. Good for you for realizing you needed help. There is no shame in that. Being a new parent is hard. Really hard. I hope things start to turn around for you so that you’re able to enjoy your life more.

  2. Wow… I love your honesty. Honestly is what helps others. Thanks for sharing.
    Love you. God bless.

    You are a amazing person.

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  6. I’m so thankful that you sought out the help you need. I had no idea about PPD and I thought that the emotional pain you were in was natural and that maybe all new moms felt like that?
    It was hard for me to be around you. Because I love you and I felt like I couldn’t do anything to help! Which is my issue and not yours. It’s not my job to “fix” but to listen and be present. I’ve been trying to get better at that. I love you sister and I will work on being more present in the future.

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