Me.

I’m so tired.  I am overwhelmed with emotion regarding the election, the results of the election, the aftermath of this election.

I can easily become overcome with anxiety or sadness when I try to predict the future.  I cannot control the future.  I cannot control anything but knowing that doesn’t help me to stop freaking trying…

control

So, to comfort myself, I am focusing on the things that I do have control of (in no particular order):

  1. Me.  My response.  My actions.  My choices.  My words.
  2. Me.  My role as a woman who is WORTHY of being loved just I am right now.
  3. Me. My ministry of motherhood.
  4. Me.  My ministry of loving Wes in the way that he receives love.
  5. Me.  Taking care of my mental health, physical health, spiritual health.

I see a trend here.  I am in control of me.  I do not have control of anyone else.  I cannot control what other people think.  I cannot control the way people vote (yeah… you knew that was coming, right?) I am working through tons of stuff in counseling (like the “need” to control).  It’s tough work.  It’s worth the effort. It’s worth the money.

But I’m feeling small.  I’m feeling insignificant.  I’m feeling a little hopeless when I think about what I feel the results of this election mean for me, my daughter and my interracial family.  I feel saddened when I think of the secret hatred that people have in their hearts for women, people of color, Muslims, people who are gay.  My heart hurts.  It literally aches.  I know that God is sovereign.  But I don’t know that God is sovereign.

So, for now I’ll mourn.  I’ll mourn for what once was (even though it was fake).  I’ll love myself.  I’ll love my people well. Lord, help me.  Empower me.  Strengthen me.  Draw me in with Your lovingkindness.  I’m begging You.

sam

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