I am self-conscious

I am conscious of myself

Of my words

Of my actions

Of my body

And yet,

How can I not see my


How can I not value my


How can I not appreciate my


Does that mean

I am not self-conscious?

Am I truly seeing my whole self?

Because I refuse to believe

That I am all the awful things

That the inner parts of my mind want me to be

I am making a choice

To be more conscious of my whole wonderful self

Until I truly believe

I am wonderful.


Dee. Day 17/18

Today’s challenge is a pet. I don’t have a pet so I decided to do yesterday’s, today.


Hello World- Lady Antebellum

I love Lady Antebellum and have all of their CDs. Hello World has to be one of my absolute favorites because of the feelings expressed in it. I definitely feel like I struggle to remember hope.

Dee. Day 16

I haven’t written about it a lot but I have total obsession with the Middle East. So, naturally, whenever I think about traveling I think of that part of the world first.


This is a shot of the beautiful United Arab Emirates. Just one of the places I hope to travel to someday.

Dee. Day 8

My mom always gives me this annoyed look when I tell her that I have more than one best friend. She says “to say best friend means there is ONE above the others.” But the thing is I really can’t pick between my friends. And I do realize that I’m blessed to be able to say that I not only have more than one best friend but also more than one person considers ME their best friend. Sometimes it is hard and I know lately I have been letting a few people down in my life. I’m trying to get better at juggling all these relationships! Good thing I don’t have a s/o right now, cause that’d be tooooo much for me to handle. The thing is, each of my best friends adds something to me. Hard to explain but I’ll do my best,
In no particular order!


So this is Dera. She’s been my best friend since 4th grade. I love her like crazy and she’s one of the most important people in the world. With Dera I always know I’m gonna get real talk. She doesn’t beat around the bush and never tells me what I want to hear. She tells me what I need to hear. I’ve cried with her, laughed with her, had some of my most embarrassing experiences with her. She knows me too well sometimes! Her mom is also super awesome and has helped me out in times of dire need. Dera, Dera, Dera. I can totally see us being old together. Her with all her kids, me with all my books, talking about the good ole days. We also had a similar situation growing up so it helps to be able to have someone who understands.


This is Alex. We have a very weird history as Sam would tell you. He definitely broke my heart in hs and changed who I was as a person. But looking back on it, I think I changed for the better. I can’t go as far as to say I’m thankful for him doing what he did but I am thankful that I learned to get through it and grew as a person. As cheesy as that sounds! Before we dated in hs we were really good friends which made it easier to become friends again last year (when I finally decided to forgive him). I love Alex and sometimes the line between love and in love can get blurred between us because we hang out so much. But the great part about our friendship is that we know that and are always open with each other. There is no getting back together for us in store. But damn Alex makes a great friend. I would have to say (no offense or hurt meant to anyone else) that Alex out of all my friends knows the most about me. Somehow he dragged all my deepest secrets out of me. Long story short, no matter our past Alex is definitely one of my best friends now and that’s all that matters to me.


This is Molly. Molly and I became friends in the dorms my freshman (her soph) year of college. All those crazy roomie stories you hear about (Sam can tell you some!) I was saved from because of her. Sharing a room with her for 9 months was not as hard as it could’ve been with someone else. Over that time we became really close and I can say that Molly is one of the best people I know. There’s a reason why I say that though. You know how everyone says “I don’t judge”? Molly doesn’t have to say it. She just never does it. I don’t hesitate to tell Molly any of the crazy things I do because no matter what she doesn’t criticize. She laughs and if it’s something I probably shouldn’t have done she gives me a look…. And then we laugh together. She is the ULTIMATE partner in crime. She is so crazy but hides it so well, just like me! I don’t get to see her as much as I wish because she lives too far away but still. We know what we have! And one of my favorite things about Molly is that she totally understands my crazy feminist side. Whenever I need to vent about something she totally gets it and vents too! She doesn’t curl up her lip like everyone else when she hears the word “feminist” because like me she’s taken the time to educate herself on what it really means. Not what the media has portrayed it as. Seems like a small thing but it really means a lot to me that she understands AND feels the same on those type of issues. Whatever lifestyle I choose to live, whomever I choose to be with, I know
Molly will be there. Sadly, you can’t say that about everyone!


Sam Sam! That’s what I started calling her when I was a kid. When she hated me. Sam and I have had the most turbulent relationship. Partially because we are so different and, oddly, because we are so alike. Kinda weird right? I surprised Sam a few months ago when I called her my best friend. I don’t know why she was so surprised! I love Sam double because I love her as my best friend and she IS my sister. Sam understands my smart side. I used to always dumb myself down for people (even her every once in a while πŸ˜‰) but Sam helped me figure out that I don’t need to do that for people to like me and that if they don’t like me for who I am they don’t deserve to be my friend. That was a long, hard lesson for me to learn. The thing about Sam is: not enough people appreciate my beautiful sister. She has a shield around her and that puts people off, but for the people who can get past it… I can’t explain it. You’re just amazed at how wonderful she is! Sam feels her emotions so honestly and deeply. She needs her shield sometimes because she can be hurt very easily, and she knows that! That’s why in my family she’s the youngest in a way. But I say that with love. I feel so protective of Sam because they way the rest of us have been desensitized and exposed too early to things, she wasn’t. How when we have the same parents? Because she chose to. It used to worry me sometimes the things she didn’t understand about people but once she became a hs teacher, that changed. Now she understands people a lot more but at the same still manages to avoid that jaded feeling a lot of us have. Sam, if ever I become a Christian (please don’t hold your breath, I love you but idk if I’m heading in that direction) it will be because you and Wes (and Dawn) have showed me that Christians really can love someone even when they don’t agree with their lifestyle. Sam doesn’t agree with mine, and I know that, but I know I can still talk to her about things and she won’t judge. Baby Beard couldn’t have come at a better time in my opinion.

I have so many friends that I could write about but these people are definitely my best friends. You earn that title, not from time, but from shared experiences. And being there when I need you. I love you all!

Dee. Day 7

Forgot to post this here yesterday and this was my favorite one!
As I talked about before I really love my books. And there is nothing better than showing off what you love. I wasn’t able to get all the shelves because my room isn’t quite as…. Clean as is necessary but here’s what i got! I’ll make sure to post the other shelf when I clean because that’s the shelf with my favorite books






Why I Read

Run away and never come back. I’ve been wanting to do that for as long as I can remember. I always thought that as I got older that the feeling would go away but, alas, it gets worse every year. As I keep making not so great decisions about my future my thirst for a whole new life just gets stronger. That’s where reading comes in.
Reading is like a drug to me. I don’t have to think about all the bad shit going on in my life if I just read. Once I get engrossed in a book everything else falls away. I focus totally on what’s going on in the story and my mind feels like it’s resting. If the book is good enough I even forget to eat or take bathroom breaks! There’s nothing better to me than the feeling of reading a great book that keeps my attention.
But reading can make me unhappy sometimes. The thing is, I want to be those characters so bad that once I’m done reading the book all I can think is how much I hate myself. I sit there after I’m done and think to myself,
“Why couldn’t I be born beautiful or rich or in a different place?” And I imagine what it would be like to have everything I wanted or at least not have to struggle constantly for the things I need. Reality always comes back when I look around and I don’t see the setting of the last book I read. And then I feel depressed.
It’s a pretty interesting cycle, really.
I love it and hate it.

I just want a whole new life in a whole new place.