I can’t.

Note: I almost didn’t publish this blog post.  But, I think in order for me to be able to climb out of the darkness, I’ve got to put things in the light.  I was afraid of what people would think if I admitted what I’m struggling with.  Because I may seem like this doesn’t affect me.  That’s the thing though, I refuse to be ashamed or in denial of my circumstances.  I refuse to continue to go through life the way I have been.  I can’t…

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I think I’ve finally realized why I’ve been so overwhelmed. Why this transition has been so freaking hard. Why, no matter how hard I try to implement mind over matter it’s not working. Continue reading

Welcome to motherhood. Month nine.

Continued from: Month one and month six.

I’m pretty much an expert since I’ve been doing this for nine months (longer, since I think gestation counts).  I need to be real.  Parenting is hard.  It’s seriously super, duper hard.  Hopefully you’ve heard people talk about how hard parenting is but, just in case, here are some issues that you will come to heads with:

Side note: If someone tells you they’re “pretty much an expert” you probably shouldn’t believe them.  But, you should believe me because you trust me and you should know that I’m gonna give it to you straight.  Anyway, here goes nothin.’

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Not for the faint of heart. Part one.

“I’ll just breastfeed my baby.”

That is what I would tell people when they asked how I planned on nourishing my baby who was due to arrive October 10, 2014 (you can read her birth story here).  She came right on her due date and the two of us set about getting established with breastfeeding… and life… because it was so very different than I’d imagined it be after giving birth.

**There are pictures of breastfeeding in this post.  If you’re offended by breastfeeding, please stop reading now.**

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Loving lately.

1.  Yoga.  Specifically YogaStudioApp.  I got this app as one of the free downloads from Starbucks but it’s worth it to purchase it, too.  Why? Because I’m much too competitive to go to a regular yoga class.  When I’m in a legit yoga class, I feel like I need to be able to do all of the things that the old people are doing but better.  Except that I’m not bendy.  And I can’t do it better.  And yoga isn’t about competition…or is it?  I totally want to kick people’s butt at yoga so I must do MY yoga at home where the only person I can compete against is myself (and Laila Grace.  She has a pretty solid downward facing dog).

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2.  Walking.  For some reason, the thought of going running makes me feel nauseous.  I don’t know why.  It’s really strange.  I want to love the exercise that I choose to engage in so I’ve been choosing to walk lately.  I usually carry Laila Grace on my back in the mei tai (so she can see everything) or on my hip in the ring sling baby carrier but since she’s bigger now (a whopping 21 pounds…almost) I sometimes put her in the BoB Revolution SE (stroller) and take her for a stroll to the end of the street and back.  She loves being able to see everything.  And I love sharing something that I love with my girl.

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3.  Eating In-N-Out.  Yep.  It’s like my new favorite thing.  I wish I never tasted those delicious burgers because now I am most certainly hooked.  This is NOT a good thing.  And their french fries.  So yummy.

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4.  Sewing.  I have always wanted to learn how to sew.  Last year, my mom bought me a vintage machine and had it serviced at a reputable shop.  I just recently got around to using it.  Let me tell you, sewing in a straight line is not nearly as easy as I thought it would be.  So far, I have made two bibs for Laila Grace.  Sewing is kind of fun when I’m not making a crap ton of mistakes.

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5. Quality time with my little family.  I don’t know if it’s just because I’m a stay at home mama and wife now but, man, do I crave QUALITY family time. It is nice to go for a walk with Wes and the baby.  Wes and I just talk and joke and laugh.  There aren’t any distractions like the TV blaring in the background or the computer or the iPad or phones.  Just us.  Enjoying one another.  That is my favorite.

sam