Sam. Day twenty five and twenty six.

Transformation. Day twenty five.

I think it was 2009 when I watched Chris Rock’s documentary called “Good Hair” during my research phase of the natural hair movement (if that’s what you want to call it). Life experience up to this point already told me that I had to make a different choice for my hair. I would get sores in my scalp any time I got a relaxer and then there was that time shortly after my wedding in 2006 when I got a touch up for the relaxer too close to my color touch up and all of the highlighted parts of my hair fell out. That was lovely.

In 2009, I was struggling in my role as a wife. I was still selfish to the core and (though I didn’t know it then) selfishness is not conducive to fostering a marriage. In fact, selfishness, is the antithesis of marriage. Lysa Terkeurst posted a fabulous quote on Facebook the other day,

“Getting married doesn’t instantly make you selfless; it makes you realize how very selfish you can be at times.
Getting married doesn’t make you feel loved; it makes you realize love is more of a decision you make than a feeling you feel.
Getting married doesn’t take away loneliness; it makes you realize true companionship comes not when you demand it but rather when you give it to another person.”

I was having some (I say “some” to take a little of the sting away) trouble grasping the concept of selflessness. I was also dealing with depression…again. It seemed as as though there was no way to escape the darkness that had plagued me on and off for probably my whole life. I decided to begin taking anti depressants which really made Wes sad. He began fasting for my healing from depression.

If I can remember correctly, all of this was happening and I realized that I had to make a change if I wanted this marriage thing to work. So when I cut my hair, it was a symbolic act as well. It symbolized the beginning of my journey to become the best possible wife for Wes. I also began trying to defeat depression with a change in my sedentary lifestyle and, later on, with the way that I ate. So far, so good.

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Sam. Day twenty four.

Flip flops.

Well, these aren’t flip flops but my sis and I did go get some fancy pedicures at one of the little places here in L.A. Man, people who live where I’m from are getting ripped off with the lack of pedicure service AND the exorbitant price! I paid $14 and lady trimmed my cuticles, clipped and filed my nails and scrubbed my feet! I was so surprised with how much they do here for such a cheap price.

I know the other day I said that I’m not sure if I want to live in L.A. but every time I come here, I feel as though it’s where I’m supposed to be. It’s so strange. This feeling. But it’s a good kind of strange.

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Sam. Day twenty.

Someone I love.

In case you didn’t know, I get kind of mushy when I write about my husband.  With good reason:  he is one of the best “things” that has ever happened to me.  I mean, remember when I said that I never wanted to get married?  He is the one who changed my perspective on that.  I also didn’t want to have children but, somewhere in the back of my head I knew that if I were ever to have children, I wouldn’t want to procreate with anyone other than him.  He is the one I saved myself for.  I waited for him my whole life (well, until I was 23) and I didn’t even know it.  While I was waiting for him he was waiting for me.  How awesome is that?!

So, here are some things that I love about my Wes:

  • He’s strong.  In more than just the physical sense.  He can lift anything.  He can make tough decisions.  But he’s not cocky about it.  It’s just who he is.
  • He’s intelligent.  It’s sort of silly to say but the person who I spend the rest of my life with has to be smart (at least I have to think they are smart…or smarter than me, at least).  He does know how smart he is and (for the most part) he’s not a jerk about it.  Haha!  I have to be honest.
  • He is gentle.  He cares about my feelings and how I perceive his gestures.
  • He is self-less.  I have a lot to learn about not being selfish.  The things that I have learned, I learned from Wes’ example.  He puts my needs before his…always.  He even gives me the last piece of bacon or the last spoonful of ice cream because he loves me that much.  When I ask him to borrow something or to have something, his response is always, “Sure, Baby, you can have whatever you want.”  He means it.
  • He has phenomenal work ethic.  While I do worry that his commitment to work can verge on workaholism, I admire that he always does his best at work.  And at home.
  • He is considerate.  He always, always asks me what he can help me with (even though my response is usually, “nothing.”  I’m totally working on that.)  He washes the dishes when I cook at night and he doesn’t complain about it.  He sees completing the household duties- not as a woman’s job…cringe- but as the job for a team.  We are the team.
  • He is nice to look at.  He has these eyes that are sometimes blue and sometimes gray.  He has a little dimple that sometimes shows up when he smiles.  And he has the cutest giggle in the world.
  • He’s ticklish.  Wes can thank his sisters of informing me of this nice little surprise.  =)
  • He’s handy.  He can fix most anything or figure out how to fix the thing.  And, when that fails, he outsources it.
  • He loves M&Ms.  Sometimes, when he’s eating his candy (which we don’t buy very often) some “accidentally falls” on the floor and the puppies get to eat some.  It’s gotten so bad that when Wes opens up the M&M bag (no matter how long it’s been since we last had M&Ms), the puppies will run to go get some.  It’s bad.
  • He’s good (responsible) with money.  This is a very good contrast with me because I am learning with him how to manage our money well.

Those are just a few of the things that I can think of for why I love Mr. B.  There are a crap ton more and I would list them but I’m sure I’ve already bored you to tears already.  I try to make sure to tell Wes what I think about him a lot but I probably don’t do it often enough.  What good does it do to gush about him on a blog if he doesn’t know this is how I feel, right?  Right.

Wes 2013

 

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Sam. Day nineteen.

Celebrity crush(es).

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I told Wes that today’s task was to find our celebrity crushes.  His response: “Larry Fitzgerald all the way!”  But then I told him that I chose four.  He was a little surprised by that.  He guessed Ice Cube and Larry but not Channing or Maxwell.  It’s all good, though, Wes is still my baby’s daddy.

 

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Sam. Day seventeen.

Song lyrics.

I should be crying, but I just can’t let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can’t stop thinking

Of all the things I should’ve said,
That I never said.
All the things we should’ve done,
That we never did.
All the things I should’ve given,
But I didn’t.

Oh, darling, make it go,
Make it go away.- “This Woman’s Work” by Kate Bush

When I was in college (the first time), I went through a very depressive phase.  When I say very, I mean VERRRRYYYYY.  It’s kind of strange to think about now all these years later but, here I was living my dream: I was attending college (at a Christian school, no less!) but I just couldn’t seem to pull myself out of the funk that I somehow managed to get myself into.  I was missing my family (yeah, the one I’d tried so hard to escape from).  I was missing my little sister (the one who I tried to convince that I hated- I know…I’m weird).  I was missing Tucson (freaking Tucson?!?! Seriously?!) and everything about it.  I got so low that I began to miss my dad.

My dad and I have one of the rockiest relationships.  I seriously told him that I hated him (more than once)… and I meant it.  With every fiber of my being.  I hated him for not being around when I was a kid.  I mean, he worked and stuff but he was not that dad who went to awards ceremonies or end of the year elementary school performances or anything like that.  He worked and he sometimes barbecued at the house.  In most of my memories (the few that I haven’t managed to erase) he just isn’t there.  When he is “there” he’s listening to his music on his headphones and singing in a really high pitched voice and playing the drums with drumsticks and a couch cushion.  Or he’s walking out the door to go hang with his friends (he was always very popular… would- and still will- talk to ANYONE).  But I cannot remember a single instance of spending any sort of quality time with my dad… or really any time.

But, when I was in my first semester of college, I called him ( I was super desperate) and he answered the phone.  He would listen to me complain about everything (I am a master complainer when I want to be) and attempt to give me soothing advice about how things will get better and I’ll feel better soon and that stuff that people tell you that doesn’t really work because even you don’t know what will make you feel better but you know “that thing” isn’t meaningless words.  Not to say that my pops didn’t mean the words he said, I’m assuming he meant them but what I’m saying is that after all of these years (or, rather, in hindsight) his words seem kind of empty.  Why?

Because he didn’t know me well enough to know what sort of things he could say to me to feel better (which would be none).  He didn’t know me at all.  I was (and still am) his daughter but my dad had no idea who his girl was.  He had no idea whatsoever.   Who is to blame?

He is.  Because he was never ever there.

I am.  Because, now, I can try to make a relationship where none existed and I. don’t. want. to.

There.  I said it.  (Must explore this topic further.)

Now, back to the song lyrics.

I have regrets about the way that I’ve handled my relationship with my dad.  There is no reason that I should still be hurting over things that happened so many years ago.  There are so many things that I need to say to get them off my chest (although, I have a feeling that “dumping” all my feelings isn’t the mature way to go).  There are so many things that I wish my dad and I had the opportunity to do.  So many things that I should have given to my dad (like my trust).  So many things that I feel he should’ve given me (like love and TIME)…

But now… I’ve got my own family with Wes.  And our growing BB.  We’re making our own memories.  We’re doing our own thing.  What I really know is that when BB becomes an adult, I don’t want to have any regrets.

 

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Sam. Day thirteen.

“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new.”  — Bhagwan Shrew Rajneesh

 

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Hands.  My hands.  Touching BB.

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